The “Check-In” is an empowerment and awareness podcast aimed at addressing poverty, mental illness, dysfunctional families, fatherless youth, social dysfunction
. This podcast will continue bring awareness to the scope and causes and work toward solutions to these issues through scholarly application, interviews, and research.
— Read on anchor.fm/christopher-mcneil4
The first step toward change is awareness, the next step is acceptance.
The term codependency has existed for close to 40 years. The common denominator is that you need to have a relationship with someone, personally or professionally, who shares your behaviors. A close second factor are the unspoken implicit rules that are shaped within the family unit and set the stage for those relationships.
So, the definition of a codependent IS: an individual who has allowed the behavior of another person affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.
Codependency is viewed as a disease. Why? because it is progressive. It may not be an illness, but it will make you sick, and keep the others sick around you. Its also viewed as a disease because codependent behaviors are close to self-destructive behaviors and are HABITUAL. Many repeat habits without much thought, almost like autopilot.
Ways to reducing crime in our communities:
“Create more economic opportunities. More jobs, less crime, less jobs, more crime. Crime is fueled by poverty and limited opportunities in our neighborhoods. If you ask most people who are incarcerated, a majority are there because they can’t meet their financial needs. It can be traced back to a weak financial foundation. Programs are a Band Aid of sorts and only go so deep. When the grant money stops flowing, the issues that were being addressed return once again. Who always gets hurt? The recipients😡
We need investments in our neighborhoods, education in competitive fields with skilled job training, and obtaining products to protect our families and transfer wealth to our loved ones.
The worst thing that you can do to someone is remove his ability to provide and protect his family.”
CMM
I want to share something with you about trauma..Trauma in the inner cities of our nation has become a “stratospheric epidemic.” for our female populations, this is paramount. Many are so angry. We wonder why…could trauma be the culprit? We see the videos on social media glorifying fights, disrespect, and other issues.
Synonyms of stratospheric:
dizzying, excessive, exorbitant, extortionate, extreme, high*, immoderate, inordinate, overpriced, sky-high, stiff, towering, uncalled-for, unconscionable, undue, unmeasurable, unreasonable
Epidemic: an event affecting many persons at the same time, and spreading from person to person in a locality where the issue isn’t permanently prevalent but cases are increasing.
Girls exposed to early childhood trauma are:
Four times more likely to find themselves in an abusive relationship, because to many, love means pain or someone beating up on you. To many, some think that this is expected.
Females are seven times more likely to be a substance abuser to cope with the pain.
Some are up to ten times more likely to be sexually exploited than their peers.
On top of this, expose them to a perverse media and the severe lack of support and you have a stratospheric epidemic to deal with.
When you are traumatized, you are so fearful of being hurt or wronged, not only are you controlled by your assumptions, you are ruled by your assumptions.
I passed a junkyard recently, and the images stuck in my head..Cars of all types just twisted up in all types of ways..Our lives had some tragedy, drama, and trauma. Being survivors, some were told to pick up the pieces, but never possessed the ability to. Some of us wished we had a BMW or Mercedes upbringing, but many have not. Realizing that many of us are still “twisted” by the events of our childhood, it comes out in other behaviors that are LEARNED.
You can lose your usefulness but your value never changes..
#theProject180isforGirlsToo
theproject180blog.wordpress.com
CMM
Ever since the father has been systematically removed and eliminated from the home during slavery, his role has been diminished as a leader, protector, and influence for his family.
There was a sinister plan to have the mother fulfill all of the roles of a two-parent household. Fathers were the hunters, gatherers, and providers, while the mothers were the nurturers…because of this, role strain developed, and has become intergenerational.
With the father emotionally castrated from the family unit, the now-single mother has to be everything to her children, thus a culturally debilitating system of dysfunction was born.
Johnson (2012) posits that if we take a look at the suicide and homicide rates in the Black community, and you will see that we are a people in crisis. Still further, just take a look at the rates of depression, bipolar & borderline personality disorders in our community, and you will see that our people, a historically faithful people, are now dying from spiritual hunger. Domestic violence and child molestation are two taboo topics that neither African Americans clergy are not willing to discuss openly and honestly, and as to why so many of us are living as “functional depressives.” Johnson (2012)
We don’t talk about the pain and trauma that we experience. We fail to discuss what’s on our minds. And it’s destroying our families.
The Black family is facing extinction because the spiritually-grounded non-materialistic African-American personality is facing extinction. Two spiritually unhealthy individuals cannot build a healthy family. With 5 out of 10 African American men behind bars, it’s a crisis.
It’s just like a functional alcoholic or functional drug addict…Despite the pain and trauma or addiction, they still function.
Functionally depressed people find the strength to do the bare minimum…
CMM
Musing:
A message to young men of color.
FAIR ONES DONT EXIST ANYMORE!!!
I’m concerned about you engaging in activities that are jeopardizing your future. Many of you are fathers of young children.
Many of you and your peers being killed by homicide, and incarceration has eliminated a good portion of your productive years. Many are doing a life sentence a little at a time.
It’s important to understand that if you have children and you aren’t working, if you happen to die or be killed, your children won’t have any means of financial support.
I talk to many mothers who have boyfriends who by reason of homicide or incarceration, have no financial support from their children, and they cannot collect survivors’ benefits from the Social Security Administration due to their father not earning enough Social Security credits!!
The average life span of a drug dealer is 35-40 years of age, if you haven’t been incarcerated or killed by then.
Please think about your children, please think about the ones who will be left behind because of your lifestyle. I’m not happy that the music of today glorifies the lifestyle that you emulate.
I spoke to a young father this week on the street. We began talking about his life and goals. He was shot at several times and was lucky to walk away and not get hit. Several of his friends were shot at as well. The streets are nothing to play around with. There are no more “fair ones” because no one can fight. Its seek and destroy, annihilate and pulverize. Needless to say, after our conversation, the young men were speechless.
Let’s sum this up. You are not a thug. Let’s address your anger and pain. That’s the root of the real behavior. Anger mixed with pain. You gravitate to others who are in the same boat.
We need to explore the “why”. Once we address the “why” we can address the rest.
The anger isn’t expressed properly because your pain and trauma hasn’t been addressed. Your non-verbal behavior has labeled you as a “thug.”
The basic human emotion of anger derives from a position of victimization and entitlement in an area where you feel you have been wronged.
This young person comes to school triggered and angry with no discipline, no boundaries at HOME, then reports to an environment where there are boundaries and structure. They won’t listen to authority because many are taught not to. Try to put something in a cage after being free, they will rebel and do anything to get out of the controlled environment.
ISS (In School Suspension), referrals and write ups lead to the beginning of a record. I’ve worked in the school systems a long time and can posit from experience that many who were written up IN school will lead to records and other trouble if there are no interventions.
No discipline of our children will lead to:
No Emotional control (Killer or abuser)
Sexual (rapist or child molesters)
Financial (debt and competition)
It’s a direct parallel to the:
The emotionally absent father
The incarcerated father
The physically absent father
We also have to disrupt the Cradle to Prison pipeline.. As a nation, the USA has 5 percent of the worlds population, but they incarcerate with one of the highest rates in the world..
This number of 70 percent bothers me.
There are 4 major issues here dealing with the magic number of 70 percent.
#1.7 out of 10 Black males will see a jail cell in their lifetime.
#2. 7 out of 10 Black males are fatherless, followed by 2 Latino males and 1 White male.
#3. 72 percent of individuals who commit a homicide came from a fatherless home.
#4. 70 percent of the prison population posits that they grew up without a father!!!
You must put the time in with your children. You will put the time in at home from zero to 17 or you will visit him upstate from age 18 to 40..But you WILL put the time in…
#70percent
BUT we can change this. We will change this. It begins at home with you. The school, church and community are only a backup for what is supposed to happen at home.
CMM @ 2015
Our men aren’t “thugs.” What you are seeing is male anger coupled with pain. The anger isn’t expressed properly because their pain and trauma hasn’t been addressed. Their behavior labels them so. Pray for our men that their hearts be softened..I am tired of seeing good men acting cold.
CMM
Kubler-Ross (1969) identified five stages of grief:
First is denial, which their emotions are suppressed, refusal to cry, or pretend the event didn’t exist
or happen.
The second stage is anger, which comprises of the individual lashing out, or being verbally or physically aggressive toward others.
The next step is bargaining, which in this case the person forever wonders if their family member will ever show back up in their life. They ask questions such as “I wish my family member would come around the corner and show up. I want them to show up today.”
The next stage is depression:
The final stage is acceptance. After time, individuals end up accepting the situation, pick up the pieces, and continue forging forward in life.
CMM
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